TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're chatting Damascus, the city historically known for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be huge. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the finest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely away from put. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, absolutely sure, let us have another put the place American Adult males can use robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: give everyone a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly tender energy," mentioned Trump Tower Damascus political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It's that he really should end utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned about the job, replied, "You are aware of, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head seen from space, a characteristic remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits immediately after discovering the developing's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not merely unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Features


Perhaps the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where attendees might contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The ad campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is For good."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% claimed "where by's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is by now attracting notice from Worldwide investors, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll get a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree may also involve:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort exactly where my PTSD may have transform-down provider."


Another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

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